Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize