The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
