omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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