I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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