i already hear my dad disowning me
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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