I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
