I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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