woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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