I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
