apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
