he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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