Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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