Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
