So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize