My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
