My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
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