Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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