fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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