i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
