that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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