I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
