I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
