Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize