I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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