Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
