I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
