my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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