God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
