foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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