I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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