Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
