I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We just shotgunned beers for America
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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