Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
