i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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