the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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