That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Little spoons don't ask big questions
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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