I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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