I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
