so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize