i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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