I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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