The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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