you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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