i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
