you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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