the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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