I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
