So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
