"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
