i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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