Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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