I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
