the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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