I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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