I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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