I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
