Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
