just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
