just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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