So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
