does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
a search helicopter?!
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
