i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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