At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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