my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
